BREAKING NEWS:Guardia of 1-year-old charged after deadly Alabama crash unveils toddler has been missing for See More..
I recalled then that I had once booked a cell-like cubicle room in a weird hostel in Williamsburg for less than $100 while locked out one night during a previous New York visit, and did so again now, the idea of a blank space without characteristics the only thing that seemed appropriate in this moment of total emotional saturation. When I arrived, I stood outside for a few minutes, regarding this unlovely and overpriced Brooklyn street. The night security guard took over, and the other clocked off, standing beside me where I leaned against the wall in my inadequate, sodden wool coat. Wordlessly he offered me some of his joint and I nodded gratefully. We stood there smoking, then bid each other goodnight.
I walked awhile, the snow having eased off, until I came to the water and looked over at Manhattan. I wasn’t trying to summon all the grandiosity it is so easy to summon in New York, the stuff I had felt in the past, which had led me to love it in the first place. I was looking at it and thinking, I live here, trying to disintegrate its glory so it could seem possible for a person like me to exist in it. I thought about people I could call, people I knew. It wasn’t so late, I could find a friend to come to a bar. I’m lucky like that, or good at friendship, depending on how flattering I want to be to myself. But I stood there alone for a long time that night instead, thinking: I’m here, thank you, I’m hom
This has been another extraordinary year, and the Guardian has been there to cover every moment.
In an age of toxic misinformation, our journalism exists to fairly and factually report the truth.
Our expert coverage in 2024 was powered by the support of our readers. Thanks to readers like you in Nigeria, we were able to report the news around the world, to question the actions of those in power and to challenge those trying to spread mistruths online.
If you appreciate what we do, and want to power our journalism throughout another crucial year
was used to this, expected it. When I moved to London nine years before, I was surrounded by people falling over themselves to tell me why it was a huge mistake and why I was crazy not to go to Berlin, or Lisbon, or the Hebrides. I happily listened to the driver articulate all the reasons why I was going to hate New York, some plausible (money, healthcare), others less so (I would struggle to find a strong Catholic community). I knew I would hate it here sometimes, and I also knew I couldn’t be anywhere else.
It was snowing, and I was an hour too early to be let into the apartment I was subletting for my first month, so I had the driver let me out at the nearest bar and shuffled my things in past the stray smokers grinning at my exertion, and the sceptical doorman who eventually allowed me to stash all my worldly belongings beneath a staircase in exchange for $20. I sat at the bar and ordered a beer and a shot of whiskey, which I promptly went and threw up into the toilet seconds after ingesting it, my body letting me know it was not accepting any further stimulants than continental relocation at this time.